What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 01:19
I don,t even have a pension.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
How do you confront your own family for not inviting you or leaving you out of things?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
All the time i was locked up.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My life is so biszare .
He resisted the act ,that day.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Put me off passion for life!!
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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
So whats the point in blame.
I will be 64.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Have you ever heard of the god Priapus being the same as the god Phosphorus?
Especially a lifetime of it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Would this be the day?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She married twice! .
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I waited trembling.
Comes on , in middle age.
I was very sick at this time too.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Was to survive, this bastard.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Why did i forgive my father ?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We all went to grammer schools
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She wouldn,t have been !
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
What did i know ?
I have no regrets .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
(And it was in our own minds.)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I think the readers, may guess!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Ive learnt so much.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I write beautiful poetry .
She was in good health!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But, we were locked up after school.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im still living with it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One cannot live in the past .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
This is soul school!.
I was scared of men, in general
I was 9 years of age.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And i lived it daily.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As i do to all so called friends.?
We were not on the streets..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She loved him until the end.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was seconnd youngest,
She found it foreign!.
When she asked me how she looked .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So, i spoilt her more .
It was going to be , some day.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He knew the spot.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But it wasn’t much.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My family never makes their pension either.
I said to her
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Who then, do I blame.?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I couldn’t, believe it.